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so, i made a new lj, and i think i'll give this one up for good. in with the new, good.
i'm at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) and_shes_off.
do make note.
xs and os.
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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
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so, last night. tried to go to a keg party thinking "hey, i'm in gainesville, i'll try something new!" realized i know myself better than that, dove the fuck out of there. pranced downstairs to find the most perfect escape imaginable. *gratitude*. britt and eric had come, and off we went. britt is hot. i mean like distracting hot. like make myself look away right now hot. and eric is the fucking master, no further comment necessary. danish malt liquor and a couch pointed up at the stars, life is lovely.
the inevitable pot came, and i wonder how much longer i'm going to be smoking. i like myself better sober, or drunk, but when i'm high i become very quiet and introverted and a little tooooo mellow and i think i'm done. we'll see. maybe i'll just take like a month long break, that sounds more realistic.
i miss the miami skies, but gainesville is like the fucking forest. there are trees, and hills, and wildlife. i've thus far seen a possum AND a racoon. i want to somehow catch an alligator and release it onto campus and say that i'm doing it for school spirit. *snicker*.
i fainted the other day and now i'm so fucking sore and banged up. i want to take a bubble bath so fucking bad.
also, i want to do something myself. but i'm too poor to get a tattoo and i don't think my hair's quite long enough to cut...so i want to get something pierced. i miss that "new piercing" feeling, it's been four damn months. i'm thinking my tragus, but...who knows. definitely not my nipples or my tongue. any ideas?
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reporting live from gainesville, kids, and here for good.
my address! so you can send me word from home, or wherever your home is
Dezi Siler
University of Florida
33020201 Fletcher
Gainesville, FL
32612
edit: PLEASE E-MAIL ME YOURS!
more news to come.
back to you, susan.
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this is the girl who was, for a good many years, my dearest friend.
i saved her life. directly. and who knows, maybe indirectly she saved mine too.
whenever she has a boyfriend, she forgets her friends. and this is sad because all of her boyfriends have been lame. and then this boy came along that i rooted for- i like the kid, he's a really good guy. but there she went. into brainless leech mode. she promised two months in advance she would go to the rocky horror show, i watched her decorated the day in her appt book as she vowed. she didn't go. i wan't surprised. she didn't call me before i left, though a mutual friend reminded her a few days before it happened. i've let her go now, for good. and though it was sad for awhile, i'm now just glad it's over with and permanently done. i wish her happiness. just not anywhere near me.
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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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so, packing for college sucks. i have to pack some stuff for the dorm this summer, then a whole other series of boxes for things that i cant take to the dorm, but am going to take to the apartment in fall. ugh. anyway, i have to get rid of a lot of stuff, some of which i really love. so, if you're interested in me giving you some cool shit before i go, let me know.
rocky went very well. the costumes turned out fabulously, i was very impressed with our adorable frank n. furter. people tell me i did fabulously, but...wouldn't they? i dunno. people did sing loudly enough, i fear.
glbtwa prom was awesome, i had two hot girls at my side the entire night. score. megascore.
never got my letter from jenn, did get a wicked awesome postcard from k-slamma kizz.
had dinner last night with the lovely miss rain, which was followed by an hour long street battle with born again fundamentalist christians. i didnt win, but they won even less. suckers. coffee with charlotte today, how weird is that gonna be...well, im hopeful and not expecting the worst. maybe itll be..enlightening? high hopes, actually.
i'm leaving in a week.
forever.
praise the lord.
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im so depressed.
i feel completely disconnected from myself.
float, float.
these people are not my friends.
this thing in the mirror is not my face.
float, float.
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"they were digging a new foundation in manhattan, and they discovered a slave cemetery there. may their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon, and we've moved on to the electric chair"
upcoming events in the life of electric dezirella: The Rocky Horror Show, arranged and starred in by moi, June 5. Brunch for those who will make my school money, June 6. High school graduation, June 9. GLBTQA prom, June 12. fiorella's wedding, June 20. leave for gainesville never to return, June 24. in the mean time, i'm swamped with more essays/reports than i've had to do in the last six months. whythefuck do people do this?
"and i wonder who's gonna be presdient, tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber? and who's gonna have the big blockbuster box office this summer?"
More on the GLBTQA (thats Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transsexual, Questioning, Ally) prom. I've asked EAK to go with me, and i've decided not to ask her which of those letters applies to her. i'm thinking i'll eventually find out, and why rush things. i'm madly excited in any case, and think it will be a delightful replacement for dear ol' senior prom, which i...passed up, so to speak. neither of us are dancing queens, but i think we will cut rugs anyway, if only to see the deliciously swirly effect of our dresses. maybe ill get one of those girltux things :). must get new lenses, as well. ugh. i hate the eye doctor.
"how bout we put up a wall between the houses and the highway- and then you can go your way, and i can go my way..."
i went to the first of two new therapists i'm trying out this week. she was great, very productive. generally i feel like the first therapist appointment is a waste of time and should be free. "hi, i'm dezi. i'm angry and depressed and meaner than hell. yes, i use mood enhancers." this was not the case this ahftahnoon, howevah...lovely. the next woman is on thursday. we'll see. i'd really like to pick one or the other though, because two therapists at once is a bit much. i think my mom's trying to cram as much psychogrowth in as possible before i head off and she's left with nothing but her obsessive worries.
"except all the radios agree with all the tvs, and the magazines agree with all the radios, and i keep hearing that same damn song everywhereigo!"
i tried, unsuccesfully, to buy a dress today. dude, buying a dress sucks like buying shoes. after trying on like 10 and having something be wrong with either one, i end up thinking that there's simply something wrong with me, and that until i undergo some crazy bodmod plan, i should just stay out of all dressing rooms everywhere. which may be true, actually...but still not quite to the extent i was feeling earlier.
"maybe i should put a bucket over my head, and a marshmallow in each ear, and stumble around for another dumb dumb week for another hit song to appear."
im also beginning to realize how few people ill actually stay in touch with after one month has passed. i don't mind at all, im closer to relieved. but it's sad that other people aren't getting that. people in my school really think high school is close to the real world, and things will hardly be different. right. kill yourselves now. the road out of here becomes progressively clearer. and the people i'm gonna miss are staying in miami, which makes me sad because no one should stay in miami and i want to fly them off to paradise where they can farm unicorns and get singing lessons from the mermaids.
"people used to make records, as in a record of an event, the event of people playing music in a room. Now everything is cross-marketing, it's about sunglasses and shoes, or guns, or drugs, you choose."
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...to dress in drag and sing opera.
*purr*
i had the best weekend in months. friday was "priscilla" which was so fun we didn't charge admission. (i don't care if the sun don't shine, i'll get my lovin' in the evenin' time...) cool jenna went, which rocked, and i announced my plans for her...loudly. i love my little queens, salah and juan, theyre the cutest bitchiest little things in the universe. sitting outside afterwords on the steps of the art temple with the gsa clan, life is worth living, tonight is a good night to die. otis stamp or death, the ultimate campaign slogan. we tried to hijack a key lime pie truck (well...it was driving along and i ran up as close as i could screaming "GIVE US YOUR FUCKING PIE!"), half hour discussions about marivana's insane dandelion hair. W ITALIA.
saturday i spent five hours painting. went to this awesome free youth art thing, which was so well stocked that it was like going into michaels with the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. felipe made this awesome clay reptile thing (which is going to be claymation for this movie short) that's very burton and very impressive and i'm glad it's not going to live in my bedroom, because it would give me nightmares. got to play with canvas and paint lovely wooden faeriness, i was surprisingly pleased with the outcome of two of them. "quality time" with felipe and adam, grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. i'm done with the fucking drug lifestyle. ugh. rolled adam into surfside, where people (plural, more than one) decorate their lawns with cows. a brief stopping over at GTA3 hq...barts house...pictures of naked women. i freaking adore bart. we're both leaving in a month, and miami's going to be desolate. he reads things about communism in portuguese, and then i see them, and i smile, and say "if i was brazilian i'd have a crush on you". he's a good hugger, too. his herb plant is like a tree, and theres the cutest little gecko that lives by it...it's like a miniwildlifereserve.
for the first time in a long time, i feel like the demons are on their way out the door. i cannot possibly express what a beautiful change it is. i've even started writing/desigining clothes again. i was making this "senior memory page" for my yearbook, which i'm not even going to buy, and i thought, while pasting pictures of the ones i adore, that although high school certainly wasn't the best years of my life (hopefully not by a long shot), i did have a few damn good times.
we're growing up, kids.
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Thursday, April 29th, 2004
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1. i love my isabella frances perrill. she is my lighthouse, lifeboat, crutch, angelita. the ultimate "got yo bac" homegirl for life.
2. "there is room for beauty is ever facet of existence" - Alan Ball, screenwriter, "american beauty"
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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
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i got my navel pierced the other day. it was so crooked on my body that arlen had to do it twice. i never noticed. nobody else seemed to have, either. put a pen flat on your body directly between your ribs. your navel should be lined up with it. you may surprise yourself.
im in an incredibly fabulous mood because of the package i'm crafting for the ever ailing miss custom_concern gomez. it's so hot, i'm jealous someone didn't send it to me.
i want to go to the youth fair. come with me, you!
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i have a disgusting, old man chest cough. every time i laugh its like "ha ha ha CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE". really fucking cute. i've been drinking about 6 cups of "breathe easy" tea a day. the high point, of course, was being able to give brenton<3 all my germs for three days.
C is for Charlotte, cunning and coy
left her best friend when she found her first boy...
- she only talks to me when she needs something now. didn't even call me on my birthday, i got a text message. that was, what, a month ago? more than that? and there's been not even a slight effort towards any sort of contact. and i've tried. it hurts, sucks, of course, but makes me incredibly grateful that i didn't hold on any more for any longer.
i make the world's most amazing mix cds/tapes. *juice*. kizzy _________ gonzalez has left a gaping, rotting, festering wound in my heart. infection breeds and runs repugnantly rampant. i miss her so damn much. and she's the only person with her septum pierced that ive EVER SEEN who looks incredibly sexy, rather than bull like. i'm sick of black hair. my digital camera is stuck, and i don't want to send it back because i've only used it once and thereby refuse to accept that it could possibly be actually broken. my industrial isn't hurting too badly these days, and now that i've forgotten about the pain, i want to go get something else done. and they said needles had to have drugs in them to be addiciting... hm...jeannette and i were supposed to get our stomachs done together next weekend, but i may get something else while she gets that. it's part of our grand plan to bond prior to moving in which each other.
yesterday whilst waiting seedily outside of Gulf Liquors, who has never IDd anyone or their mother, i noticed a crackhead perched in the middle of a sidewalk on a bike. he looked like he had been there for awhile when we walked up, one leg on the bike and one leg on the ground, talking intently, audibly to himself, with frequent hand gestures. he looked as though he were carefully formulating some sort of very complicated plan. i inquired as to whether or not he intent was world domination. his eyes rolled glassily on me, struggling to focus, as he choked out "that's not a good question to ask me right now." back to his post on the bike. adieu monsieur.
i'm incredibly dissatisfied with my day to day life as of late. i need to completely immerse myself in various occupying amusing pasttimes. i want to drown in craft, i think it will be good for me. i haven't made candles in three months, for god sake. i've blown my nose four times since beginning to write this. where the fuck is the off switch? waking up wanting a new life has never been charming, and in the last month, month and a half i've grown rather sick of it. change won't come unless i go get it, so...i'm off.
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Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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i turned eighteen and was relieved to finally have a birthday that changed something. celebrating was foggy to say the least, high point was a brief excursion to lou's where my sister bought me my new piercing, beloved industrial. i'm utterly enamoured with it, despite it being one of the three most painful experiences of my life.
got into a car accident on the gainesville exit, 370 miles from home and approximately 1.2 from my destination. the car was totalled, no one was hurt: bruises and war stories. the visit was longer than usual, a result of said unexpected wreckery. brenton was inexpressably angelic, and sometimes he's so sweet that i feel like a rotten person for infecting his life. sweet enough to make me not mind things like all the comments on his livejournal being from girls prettier than me and such unpleasantries. met a boy named brian who reminds me so much of my boy named brian that it's shaking.
i think i may have offended one of the most simultaneously intriguing and kind people i have ever met, and have no idea how to approach the current situation. because even if there's nothing directly wrong, i know that there will always be something wrong, and every time we speak i feel like i'm lying to her for accepting the mask she wears. one i suspect she may be ready to grow out of. it's none of my business, and sometimes i wish there was a "care button" that i could just turn off. or an ignorance button that i could just turn on.
emailing back and forth with the saddle creek booking agent, lovely. planning gsa movie nights and poetry slams.
felipe and i invaded the katzman residence. i cooked bowtie pasta in olive sauce and we listened to django rinehart/ the beatles/ ccr records. i ended up leaving my entire boxed beatles vinyl collection (i just came, while writing that...did you, reading?) and sneakers there, and am far too lazy to make the trek all the way up to surfside to reclaim them. dilemna. i get to ( vote ) soon and im thrilled.
can a digital camera break within a week of buying it?
i'm in love with the cd i'm making.
flip accidentally kicked me in the thigh today and it's still feeling slightly...awkward...
there's a girl in my kitchen with a tattoo on her back of a dragonfly bigger than my forearm.
and i'm going back to europe this summer. holland, scotland, ireland...the "land"s i'm burning to explore. the best countries, really, are the ones that explore you. mmm. 71st St. boys tonite- read: massive loss of brain cellz, improvement of gang sign throwing ability.
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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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this is my last day of legally being considered a child. i want to get something pierced in celebration tomorrow. i got accepted into uf, my first choice. big smiles, sighs of relief. i'm nervous about having a significant valentine's day. washing clothes by hand makes me painfully aware of how little self confidence i have. i've gained a disgusting amount of weight. the other day this huge horrible loud ugly bug was attacking me and kept flying directly at me. i tried swatting it away for like ten minutes and it just kept flying back at me. so it landed, and i set it on fire. i still haven't stopped feeling strange about it. so many things i need to mail out. anatomy class has become first grade art with our in depth study of the muscular system. i love it, my last hour of the day is spent colouring and making charts. king lear (on the other hand) is a worthy challenge, i adored it. i'm in the process of being romantic, and it's... making me smile more than i expected.
sweet dreams.
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Monday, January 19th, 2004
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some kid made this for me about a year ago and i found it today whilst annhilating my hard drive. i love attention.
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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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even at five thirty in the morning when i think denny's coffee sounds really good, it makes my tummy hurt. it's dunkin donuts from here on out.
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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
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today i approached brando, waiting for bella after school. he was, that is. i said to him, "yknow, before you and bella were going out, i was friends with you and best friends with her, and now i'm not really friends with either of you." and he said "well, who's fault is that?"
now. there were two completely truthful ways to answer this question. 1)" i KNOW you are not implying that it is my own fault, because it's no one's fault, and if it were, it would be YOURS, ASS!" or 2) "i really don't think it's a matter of fault. i think it's just...the way". because i like brando, i opted for the second. but it makes me sad. i'm glad they're in love, and i saw this coming the minute bella started dating him, not even because it was him, but because i know her... still, though. bit discouraging.
coffee and talking with emery was good. talking, especially. it felt more like a prequel to a time when we'll really hang out though. fuck you brenton, there are some people who ARE excited to see me. loving jeannette today, who gave me a ride home 1/2way through the walk and saved me the dismay of the golf course. <3!
i miss julianna and matt walter. i need uplifting souls and a more productive addiction. conor's drinking the ink from his pen, and i swear to god i'm drowning in mine.
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Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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"some girls sigh and some girls cry, i think they're okay. but girls like me don't know when to quit; we get revenge now."
wallet returned! money gone, minor scrape, joy ensues. immense joy. honesty amongst thieves?
additional joy, finding my against me! shirt at four o'clock this morning. the perks of insomnia. my house is so clean, and i did it all. mmm.
my holiday presents were all so fucking awesome. my friends rule the world. universe. still have one to give. but she's evah so permanently far away. grrsigh. many of us seem to be herbally numbing ourselves these days. my mum says the lead singer of spoon has a sexy voice. rawr mum, very rawr.
february will be a hugely important month for me. i'm simultaneously dreading and looking forward to it. my girls agree with me on certain crucial issues, it's interesting how much i wanted back up on this one. i'm terrified of losing the boy that fits me even better than my favourite jeans. </3
bring on the disenchantment.
here it comes, now.
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at three twenty in the morning, one's mind travels to surprising levels of comprehension. fueled by half-smoked cigarettes and that sleepycrust that appears in the corners of your eyes.
1. trying to be good, sweet, compassionate, and understanding, rather than bitter, sad, angry, jealous. finding vice far easier to fall into than virtue. seeking common understanding. failing.
2. still freaking out about stolen wallet. fucking shit. i don't know what i'm more upset about...the wallet itself, the money, or the contents of the wallet. what fucking assholes the world is comprised of.
3. dr. pangloss is the most amusing of syphillis ridden idiots i've had textual encounters with in the last good while.
4. quality time in the buick these days. goodness neededness. emery tomorrow. moderate concern. midterms and busy work are raping me. ugh. if i even think about another "review section" i'm going to.... get angry.... how the fuck am i going to stay awake en escuela manana? even my vampy boy has shut his eyes to the world for the evening.
5. GSA bake sale february 4th. step up, biatch. i need someone i can call 24 hours.
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Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
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| Subject: | enveloped |
| Time: | 8:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  quixotic. | | Music: | against me!- eight full hours of sleep <3. |
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AutoResponse from PixelAFECT: "Remember, love conquers all...rapes all... pillages all... and leaves all for dead."
dear girl,
you make me sick. i'm finally over caring. i'm truly finished with wanting to talk to you. i hope you realize how lame you are and puke all over yourself. when you call to tell me about it, i won't pick up. in fact, if you leave a message, i'll delete it when i hear the number without listening to one word. but i want you to be happy. maybe in a little while we can talk again in that casual empty way. or not. the fates, the stars, and for once, ME.
listen and learn!
dezi.
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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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complacent.
sore.
blah.
chipper.
cranky.
good.
high.
awake.
contemplative.